More Pictures

Well, today was another busy day. We went to a wonderful church service with Jessica and her mom's family. We felt so much at home, as it was very similar to our church (same songs and everything) and the message was great.

Afterwards, Jess' mom and step-dad took us to lunch at a seafood place on the marina which had really great food. We walked around for quite a while and talked while looking at a marine wildlife center where they had a mock tide pool with live starfish and sea aneminies.

Jessica, Rich and I took a long walk on the beach and talked about everything under the sun. She and I are so alike in so many ways and we seem to be so comfortable with each other...more like sisters than second cousins.

Some friends of Jessica and Nicks had a BBQ tonight, so we spent the evening with them and their roommates, then went grocery shopping.

We'll be headed home tomorrow (Monday) around noon since Rich and I both have to work on Tuesday morning. We're going to pick Jessica and Nick up for breakfast before we leave town. We're making plans for the two of them to come to Yuba City for a week or so visit...that way they can meet and get to know our life as we've come to know theirs. I can't wait for that.

Please pray for a safe trip home. I think we're both a little anxious to sleep in our own bed (this hotel one isn't the greatest).

Here are some pictures from today's adventures - - I wish we would have remembered to take some at the beach (maybe tomorrow)...

Us and Jessica at the marine museum where you could overlook the ocean.

This is Jackie (Jessica's mom), Micah (Jessica's brother) and Jess. It was so nice to be able to spend so much time with my cousin Jackie - - she is such a sweet woman and a faithful believer...very encouraging to be around. Micah is one of the cutest, brightest boys I've ever met! He'll be an engineer some day.

This is Jessica's mom and step-dad (Scott). He makes a mean hamburger!

This is at the BBQ (Nick making his googly

eyes at me).

When we were grocery shopping, Jess picked out

a book for the baby. She liked it because the first

page reads, "Oh my baby, little one,
the hardest thing I do is hold you tight, then
let you go, and walk away from you."

Our First Baby Picture...

Meet Zackary Dean Speakman. This is our first baby picture that we have received. It was taken when he was 15 weeks old, but now he's 20. Isn't he the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?

Meet the proud Papa.

We had a fantastic, long, tiring, full and fun day spent with Jessica and Nick. We drove to LA and met Jess' dad for morning tea in China Town, then did some shopping to walk off all the food we ate. We headed back to Ventura and did more shopping, then met their roommates and headed to her mom and step-dad's for awesome BBQ'd hamburgers and some great conversation. We are totally exhausted and I'm a bit sunburned, so we're going to head to bed, but I couldn't sleep until I shared these photos with the ones we love. :)

Tomorrow is already filled with lots of plans, so I will try to post more pictures tomorrow night of all of the fun things we do. Until then, here are some pictures from today:

This is Jessica and Nick. They are the proud birthparents of our little Zack. This picture was taken in China Town in LA. It was so great to spend the day with them, getting to know each other better and hearing all about the excitement they have for us in knowing that we will be raising this perfect child of God. It's amazing and they have no idea the gift they have offered us. We are astounded...

Here is Rich taking his photo op. with his look-alike Tiger Woods. See the resemblance? (Personally, I'm kind of fond of the one in the tan hat. He's pretty cute!)

The Nursery

Well, we picked the pattern for the nursery. It's called "Leap Froggie"...I think it's so adorable and, what can I say, things happen - - what if "he" ends up being a "she"? This was pretty universal :)

We haven't ordered anything, but I'm really excited just thinking about ordering it! Can't get any cuter than that...

There is something so comforting about being able to set this stuff up in our house. I hope little Zack loves it as much as we do!

I Will Lift My Eyes

Below are the lyrics to the song we have posted on the right side of the page. Feel free to listen to it and reflect on the words in contains. God's love is incredible! This is such a wonderful explaination of how we are feeling right now...that we just need Him and we need to know that, no matter what the circumstances, we are being loved and cared for and we are not alone in our journey.

We are anxious about going to meet with "J" this weekend, but excited all the same. I feel it is so important for her to know us...really know us, and for us to know her and her boyfriend. I want to know everything so that, some day, I can share everything I've learned about them with Zack and help him to understand just how much he is love.

"I Will Lift My Eyes"

God, my God, I cry out

Your beloved needs you now

God be near, calm my fear

And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up

Your love is all that draws me in

Chorus:

I will lift my eyes to the Maker

Of the mountains I can’t climb

I will lift my eyes to the Calmer

Of the oceans raging wild

I will lift my eyes to the Healer

Of the hurt I hold inside

I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing

Her melody over me

God, right here all I bring

Is all of me

Your kindness is what pulls me up

Your love is all that draws me in

Chorus:

‘Cause You are and You were and You will be forever

The Lover I need to save me

‘Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God

So hold me now

The baby kicked!

"J" felt the baby kick for the first time last night. She said it felt really weird. Up until now, she's just felt him moving around a bit, but she said actually kicked for the first time. Hopefully he'll put on a show for us when we visit her next weekend.

Wait

“Wait”

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child you must wait."

"Wait? You said, wait!" my indigent reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By Faith, I have asked, and am claming your word.

My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes,' or a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

And Lord, you promised that if we believe
We need but ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "you must wait."
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting… for what?"

He seemed, then to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want-But you wouldn't have Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When the darkness and silence were all you could see.
You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save… (for a start),
But you'd no know the depth of the beat of my heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you have asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for Thee.'
Yes, your dreams overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer is still, 'WAIT.'"
~ Unknown

I absolutely love that poem. I read it almost every day as a simple reminder that things do not happen in our timing, but in His alone. It's comforting, in a way, to know that we don't have the responsibility of control and that we have the option to just leave everything in His hands and trust that we will make it through. So, in our own way, we sit and we wait and we trust that there is a plan for us; one that involves bringing children into our home.

"Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy."

~ Arthur Helps

Nineteen Weeks!

"J" just had her doctor's appointment and Zack is 19 weeks already! I found this picture.....this is about how big he is right now:



Amazing, isn't it?

For "J"...

"J",

There are so many things I have learned from you already. What it means to be a strong woman of value, the true meaning of compassion and empathy and the amazing ability we have as humans to bless one another with the gifts we are given.

We pray for you every day and for the relationship we have with you to continue to grow and strengthen as time passes.

I read this today and thought of you...

Nichole Nordeman, "Legacy"

"I want to leave a legacy.
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough?
To make a mark on things,
I want to leave an offering,
A child of mercy and grace,
Who blessed your name, unapologetically...
And leave that kind of legacy."


"May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone.

May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them.

Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending. Teach love to those who hate, and let that love embrace you as you go out into the world.

May the teachings of those you admire become a part of you, so that you may call upon them. Remember those whose lives you have touched and whose have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness of your heart. Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you.

Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future. May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience.

May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgement of your accomplishments.

May you always feel loved."

~ Unknown

The Process

Things are going well. We've hired an adoption attorney in Marysville who works with A Woman's Friend, so he seems to know what he's doing and is able to hold our hands through the process.

"J" said that she felt the baby move for the first time on Friday - - it's so exciting! I've checked into some adoption counseling for her in the town where she lives. Their crisis pregnancy center offers free counseling to her and she said she has already met with the counselor / director.

She is still with her boyfriend - - they live together at a friend's house. He has read the e-mails that she and I have sent to each other and he said that he felt really good about the decision when he saw how excited we were about the coming of this baby.

It's amazing to me to look back on the sequence of events that have taken place and recognize God's infinite and intricate design of it all; how He placed people and circumstances in our path in specific times and specific places along the way.

A "by chance" visit with one family member created a "by chance" conversation with them. That conversation created a "by chance" conversation between them and another family member. A few months prior to these occurrences, my cousin became pregnant while using a birth control method where she had less than a 1% chance of getting pregnant. In between these events, we were told that we would not be eligible to put in our application at any adoption agency and we were put "on hold".

Looking back, it makes it difficult to not acknowledge the beautiful works of art that He is painting on our canvases. What miracles! God is so much bigger than we could have ever imagined and He should be honored for that. We thank Him every day for the health that he has so graciously bless us with, the love that we have been given to share with one another and the light that He shines at the end of the tunnel when all other light seems to disappear and we are left in darkness.

Please continue to pray for "J" as she continues on her journey through life. Pray that she is given a sense of peace and contentment in her decision to give us this indescribable gift and that she continues to receive the guidance and support that she requires.



"Absolutely everything...got started in Him and finds purpose in Him..."
~ Colossians 1:16 (The Message)

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
~ Psalm 139:23-24

"He not only perfectly understands our case and our problem, but He has morally, actively, finally solved it."
~ P.T. Forsyth

Poem

Two Women

Two women cry into the night,

their eyes are filled with tears.

Oh God why is this happening?

I need to feel you near.

One woman sits alone in the darkness,

Decisions she must make.

She wants to do what's best for the child,

It's life she cannot take.

The other woman clings to her mate

And she doesn't understand

why they can't have a child of their own

as so many others can.

These women come from different worlds.

Their lives are miles apart.

But God would deliver the pain they felt

and heal their broken hearts.

And then one precious morning

their lives became intertwined.

Both women's prayers were answered

as they felt God's plan unwind.

One woman touched her newborn's cheek

and whispered to the babe,

"Because I love you little one,

sacrifices I've made.

"With the strength she felt from heaven,

to the other woman she gave

the miracle of a baby

for her to love and raise.

The other woman looked down

at her precious baby's eyes

and thanked God for the woman

who had helped fulfill her life.

Two woman pray into the night

and thank the Lord above

for the opportunity he's given them

to feel a Mother's love.

©2006 by Lori Coleman

The Beginning

Well, I'm not quite sure where to start, so I guess I'll start at the beginning.

Rich and I have been together since August 8th, 2000. We were married on July 16th, 2005. On February 14th, 2006, I underwent a routine surgery to remove some large cysts from my ovaries. We soon found out that the cysts were actually cancerous tumors and my ovaries were removed. Since we had strong intentions of bringing children into our family in the next few years, we started weighing our options.

Because I still have a uterus, invitro fertilization (IVF) was still an option, however, we would have to accept donated eggs (my sisters were more than willing to help us in that department). We entertained the thought of IVF for a while, then decided in early 2007 that domestic adoption would be a better choice for us. We sent in an application to an agency in March and we were to attend an agency hosted conference in April. In speaking with an agency social worker in March, we soon found more disappointment as we were told that we were not eligible for an agency adoption at this time seeing as how only one year had passed since I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Apparently, agencies (international and domestic) require a minimum of three to five years to pass before an application is accepted. Since an agency adoption generally takes approximately 2 years or so, we would have to wait a total of 4+ years before we could have children, unless we did IVF.

Rich and I decided we were just going to be content with our lives as they are now and then, when we are eligible, we will attempt to apply with an agency again. We started making plans for a vacation at the end of the year to Maui, we collected information for improvements we could make on our home in the meantime and we thoroughly enjoyed the time alone we had with one another.....but all the while, there was still a longing in our hearts and an aching for something, someone we couldn't have.

I received a call from my mom last week and she said my cousin "J" had been looking for me. I hadn't spoken with "J" for about 10 years, merely because we were both too busy growing up and we live quite some distance from one another. I called "J" that afternoon and asked her if everything was okay. Her response was, "Yeah, well, it's just that I'm 4 1/2 months pregnant with a boy and I think you and your husband should take him." WHAT!?!?!

We spoke at length and I shared with her my concerns that she was making a BIG decision and should take some time to think about it. I had expressed to her how I was apprehensive because we had already experienced so much disappointment...."I've made up my mind and I don't ever go back on that. I've had a lot of time to think about this and I think maybe I got pregnant right now because you and Rich were in need. This may be the answer to a lot of people's prayers." She said she felt relieved knowing that we would take him and that she felt as though a huge weight has been lifted off of her shoulders.

Rich walked in the door just as I was hanging up the phone and he could see that I was physically shaking and that I had broken out in splotches all over my chest. He said, "So, how did it go? Is everything okay?" "Well, it's a boy....daddy!" His eyes lit up like I had never seen before and he and I both started to cry. He said, "Okay! Wait...it's a boy? I WIN! Okay, now I only have 4 1/2 months to perfect my break dancing so I can teach him." For the rest of the evening, every time I looked at him he had a huge smile on his face. That night as I fell asleep, he brushed his fingers through my hair, put his other arm around me and said, "I can't wait to see you hold our son in your arms."

It's been 5 days since I've had a restful night of sleep. There are so many things to get ready and so many concerns running through my head, but we are still thrilled about this opportunity. Just to be considered in this process feels amazing! I know that we are getting our hopes up and there is a chance for disappointment, but that is a chance we are willing to take. The situation we are in (infertility) requires us to take a bigger chance than most if we are going to bring children into our home, but it is that important to us that we are willing, even eager, to do so. So, we ARE going to be excited. We ARE going to make arrangements to bring this little boy home. We ARE going to share our journey with those that we love. Because, we will never look back on this situation and wish that we had worried more. If this does go through, I want to know that we spent every minute of this time of anticipation and anxiousness planning for the most wonderful gift God could give us. If we end up getting our hearts broken, they will heal. They always do...and we will put back the broken pieces as we always have, but we are not going to dwell on those thoughts unless we are actually faced with them. That is no way to live life.

"J" has asked if we could choose a name. His name will be Zachary Dean Speakman and he is expected to arrive on September 11th. Zachary means "rendered by God" and Dean is Rich's middle name. "J" said that she finally felt him squirming around yesterday! How exciting! We will be driving to see both "J" and her boyfriend on the 28th-30th of this month to spend some time with them and so that they can get to know us. She said that she had ultrasound pictures to share with us, so I will try and post those when we get them.

Please pray for us and continue to support us if you can because we will need it. This has been and will continue to be a long journey of hills and valleys for Rich and I, but it is comforting to know that we are loved and we are not alone.