Random summer day...

Finger painting with the boys. Zack chucked the paper and painted his body.





A picture of Zack throwing a tantrum. I told him that he was being ridiculous and so I was going to take a picture of him and show all of his friends. It didn't work.

Still throwing a fit...seems to do this pretty well lately!

Whatever you're doing...

I was in the car by myself for a few minutes the other day...shocker, I know! I heard this song "Whatever you're doing", by Sanctus Real come on K-Love. I have heard this song several times, but never really listened to the words. I guess this time, I was able to be quiet enough to actually LISTEN. It's funny how we can hear something a million times, yet it takes a million and ONE times until it really makes sense and sinks in. Anyways, I'll post the lyrics, then tell you what struck me about this song...

"It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender"

I can't even begin to explain just how much "healing" needs to happen with this child. It breaks my heart to think of how much has been "broken" in him and all the people that have wronged him. The song says it perfectly..."I don't know where I belong" in this. I feel as if I (we) have done and tried everything to make this right...but nothing works. We have taken and used every piece of advice from his social workers and therapists, our friends and family. We have relied on our own intuition, creativity and life experience. We have tried to keep the environment "positive" and rewarding for good behavior. We have tried yelling. We've tried taking things away and making him "earn" it back. We've tried it all. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we are giving up or giving in, but I'm saying I'm tired. I'm emotional. I'm frustrated. I'm anxious for change. I'm sad.

"Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly"

Rich and I know that THIS is where we are SUPPOSED to be right now...with THIS child. Like the saying goes, we know that we'll have to walk through "the valley" at times, but He never said we'd walk it alone, right? It's such a roller coaster of emotions. At times I DO feel like there's peace, but so often the chaos takes over and is just simply overwhelming.

"Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender..."

I JUST WANT ANSWERS! I just NEED answers. We NEED things to change. I'm ready for change and I'm ready for some progress to be made. Let's get to it already! I am so tired of having to PAY for all of the past mistakes of everyone else that this child has encountered. How long will he punish me for the things that others have done to him? When will the torture that he feels we need to endure end? When will he believe that we are not going to send him away because he chooses not to behave? When will he realize that we are doing our best and it's exhausting? When will he realize that he is loved, even when he is not lovable?

"Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears"

I wish I could just climb into that little mind of his and clean out all of the clutter in his memory...the bad memories of not being cared for as he should have been, the many many moves he's had to make from one bad place to another, the different faces that he's called "mom" that never lived up to the title. I wish I could go in and clean it all up for him and give him a fresh start. It's up to him though...he has to LET me.

"Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly"

I'm holding on to the belief that whatever is meant to happen in our home is far bigger than anything we could imagine. I know we're frustrated, but I also know that we have a God big enough to take care of us and keep us strong. I know we're tired, but I know that our God has strength enough to carry us when we feel we are ready to give up. Please continue to pray for us...we appreciate all we can get!

Zack at 22 months...

Just a quick video of our crazy little almost-two-year-old...

Funny...

Just a funny / sweet little conversation I had with our 8 year old the other day. In order to keep some kind of sanity in the house, I have been letting AM watch a movie during Zack's nap time (it's about the only thing that will keep him quiet for any length of time). I was in the check-out at Target the other day and saw Milo and Otis on the shelf and remembered loving it as a kid. You know, the movie about the little pug dog and the orange cat? So, I threw it in the cart.

So, the other day, I popped the movie in and secretly got a little nostalgic excitement over being able to share it with AM. As the movie went on, I realized I remembered nothing about the movie. It had been such a long time since I had seen it that it was like seeing it for the first time again.

Keep in mind, that AM may be 8, but he has had a lot of "different" life experience than the typical 8 year old. His CPS worker actually said, "It's like he's from Mars!", meaning that he doesn't understand simple things that "typical" kids do. He thinks the waves in the ocean are "waterfalls". He didn't know what a hair brush was and was fascinated when he saw one for the first time. He truly thinks a cow can "jump over the moon"...if it's a "really strong cow". He thought sharks or sea lions would make their way from the ocean to our camp site in the woods to eat us in our tent. He thought you have to dig in "dirt" at the camp site to get sea shells. I guess the only way we could explain it is that he is, in many ways, like dealing with a 4 or 5 year old...as far as normal life experience, temperament, social ability, fears, etc.

So, onto the funny part. We are watching Milo and Otis and, as I'm watching, I realize that a very difficult conversation is about to happen between me and AM.

AM: "Mom! What is WRONG with that DOG!?!?!?!"

Me: "Nothing, honey. She's getting ready to have puppies."

AM: "Mom! That cat looks like she's dying! What's WRONG with her!?!?!"

Me: "It's okay, AM. She's getting ready to have kittens. Isn't that cool?"
(Of course, thinking that by throwing the "isn't that cool?" statement out there would smooth it all over and he'd forget about asking more questions...yeah right.)

AM: "Mom...I really think she's really dying."

*pause*

AM: "Mom! Oh my GOD! What is going ON!?!?!? What IS that!??!?! That is SO GROSS!"

(Yes, Milo and Otis show the LIVE birth, up close, of kittens and puppies...parents beware.)

Me: "It's okay, honey. This is how puppies and kittens are born. See? The momma cat and the momma doggie are just fine and now they have their babies!"

(The animal moms start to lick the nasty slimy-ness off of their babies.)

AM: "THAT is a puppy? It's all slimy and gross!....and SHE'S LICKING HIM! Oh my God."

Me: "Well, that's how they get clean."

AM: "So when is the puppy and the kitten going to lay their eggs then? I don't get it..."

*End of conversation*


You know, although this is a tough situation, there are some sweet moments that I will always cherish about having him with us. Like the other night when Rich and I were going to be leaving him with a sitter for the first time so that we could go out for a few hours. He said, out of no where, "Mom...I think you deserve to go out. You work hard for me and Zack. It's okay with me that you go out tonight." I thought that was very sweet...then I thought it was funny that HE thought I needed HIS permission! :)

Then, this morning, he told me, "Mom, I think you really do have the most beautiful voice." Now, I DO have a voice that is similar to Celine Dion (with a possible chicken bone stuck in her throat, but still!), but to have him tell me that he LIKES to hear me sing and that it doesn't make his ears bleed...that's sweet.

When he finished his two weeks of swimming lessons, although he still can't really swim, he sat next to me in the car on the way home, beaming from ear to ear and said, "Mom, I really do feel like a champion swimmer. *sigh*"

Also, he recently received letters from him biological mom. He decided he wanted to dictate a letter to me and write her back. At the end of the letter he asked if he could add one more thing. He said, "Write, 'I think I'm gonna be here until I'm 18, and, mom, I'm okay with that.'"

*sigh*

Fort Bragg 2009...

My handsome husband.

Searching hard for shells.

AM and two of my sisters.

Lunch at North Coast Brewing Co.

A little something that Zack found :)

Our nephew Alex freezing in the ocean.

Every year in July, our family and my sibling's families head to Fort Bragg for the weekend. We tent-camp, play at the beach and roast marshmallows by the fire. It's just a wonderful time and so many great memories are made.

This year was a little different due to the fact that several members of our family couldn't make it for various reasons. I was a little nervous about this trip knowing that my mom would not be there. She is a MASTER camper. My brother would not be there and he is the MASTER of improvising. So, I spent the last few weeks preparing. I shopped and packed and shopped and packed some more. I was sure that we had everything we needed (even if it was just a two night trip)! I bought all of our food here and packed it so that we didn't have to pay Safeway's outrageous cost for food. I was so proud of myself and seemed to have it all together! :)

I drove, which is typical for Rich and I. I don't make a great passenger...especially on windy roads. We got to camp around 8:30pm (Rich had to work that day, but we had the car packed the night before) and unloaded our car and set up the tent and food. We stayed up quite late and I finally got Zack to sleep around midnight. At 4am, I got a sweet wake-up call in the form of Zack saying (loudly), "Mommy! Ni-night! Shhhhh!" I pretended to sleep, but he had it in his mind that it was time to get up and that was that. Rich got out of the tent to head to the bathroom and found that raccoons had gotten into our cooler and had eaten all of our food, including TWO BAGS of plums. The plums must have worked their magic quickly, because they pooped all over EVERYTHING. They pooped on our picnic table, IN our cooler, all over our drinks, on our flashlight. You name it, it was poop covered. Yuck. So, at 5am, Zack and I headed to Safeway to re-purchase every ounce of the food that I so thoughtfully packed (and some Lysol kitchen cleaner). We sanitized everything and threw all of our food away and put on a new tablecloth. Whew! Oh!, and on my way back from the grocery store around 6am, I checked in at the ranger station and he informed me that we had registered for a "handicapped" site (although my printed registration said "standard") and he told me I'd have to pack up and move, although they didn't have another camp site for us to use. I offered to move to my sister's site and he said there would be too many people on the site and that wasn't an option. My sister's mother-in-law happened to have a handicapped placard and let us use it for the weekend. Whew...again! Don't think I didn't cry like a baby after the lack of sleep and stress of it all at the butt-crack of dawn though! :)

So, onto the fun part...

AM had his first experience of camping and the beach. He had a wonderful time! He did very well and we had so much fun. Zack's favorite term the entire weekend was "RUN!"...and that's precisely what he did...ALL WEEKEND. He was so busy and we chased and chased and chased. I think we need a vacation FROM our vacation! :)

All in all, it was a beautiful weekend with my family. I did miss my bed, but I love sleeping outside.

Play time...

Friday, Rich had the day off to celebrate the 4th of July. Maddie came over to play and Rich and I watched her and Zack play in the water in the yard. Meanwhile, Dan (Maddie's dad) and AM took the dogs for a walk at the park.

June pics...

The past two weeks, I've been taking our niece Shea and AM to swim lessons. Here are some pictures from the last day of swim lessons.

Zack was unhappy to be trapped in the kiddie pool area with Auntie Colleen.

Shea and Hailey

AM and Eli



Zack organizing all of the pool toys...that's my boy!

Telling Auntie Colleen to "come here!"

AM mid-air

Jumping off of the lifeguard's diving board.


Shea the diva (couldn't move this picture down, unfortunately).


AM, Zack and Logan shopping with Emily and I at Sam's.

Shea, mid-air.