Lord,
I don’t know why you lead us down the paths that you do. I don’t know why we are sent to walk through trial and pain and suffering and why it seems as though our faith is forever being tested. I do know that you love us and that everything you do is because of that fact, and sometimes that is the only comfort I find when my faith is weak.
Some days I feel as though I couldn’t be more confident in pursuing this adoption and having it all work out the way we’d like it to, but other days I couldn’t be more unsure of the outcome. People keep asking us, “How are things going?” and, “Has she given you any indication that she’s going to back out?” My answer is always, “I’m sure everything will be fine,” however I’m not so “sure” at all. It's not that we think Jess is uncertain of her decision, but it's because we have been disappointed so many times that we can't help but be cautious. One of my favorite quotes says, “Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.” (Valcav Havel). I believe that there is a reason why everything happens the way it does and I trust that some day we may have the opportunity to get the answers we long so much for.
My brother asked me yesterday if we had a “plan” if this didn’t work out. I told him the “plan” was to fall flat on our faces and pray that we could pick ourselves up…again. The truth is, we have no plan because we have no other options. In any other circumstance, if we were adopting and the adoption fell through, we could put our names back on “the list” and wait for another child, but we don’t have that option because of my medical history. If this falls through, our wait to even be placed on a list will be about 3-5 years, then possibly another 2 years to actually be chosen as parents. George Aupperlee once said, "Faith is forged in the fire of delay," and I love this because it is so true. The longer we have to wait for our blessings, the more we have to draw upon our faith through the wait.
Even though this journey isn't over yet, we have already learned so much. Our relationship has been tested and we have had to rely heavily on the importance of communication in our marriage, our faith in you and the support from those you have place in our lives. “True self is the part of us that does not change when circumstances do.” (Mason Cooley). Rich and I have definately had the opportunity to show our true colors...I'm thankful that we still love each other after they have been revealed. In fact, I think we have an even deeper appreciation and understanding of one another because of it.
Some days I think about how miraculous this situation truly is and how this could only be a work of your hands. How could all of the pieces come together the way they did and have this opportunity practically placed in our laps for it to only give us more disappointment? I pray that this isn’t another situation where we are being tested and strengthened through trial, but that this is the blessing you are offering us after the storm.
I can picture us bringing this child home and loving him unconditionally. In Psalm 113:9 it says, “He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord.” Our highest priority is to be to him a reflection of you and I pray that you let us fulfill that desire.
Rich and I are so thankful for this opportunity to be able to be with Jess during this time to support her in any way that she needs. I'm thrilled that she is here and we can see little Zack growing and be able to experience the doctor's appointmens with her and hear his precious little heart just beating away inside of her. I couldn't ask for anything more.
I've been reflecting on these songs over the past few days and feeling more and more encouraged to just go along for the ride...let go of the reigns and give you control over the direction and destination. I only pray that you give us the strength to endure whatever lies ahead.
MercyMe - Bring The Rain
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you oh Lord
My only shelter from the storms
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Chorus:
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus Bring the Rain
I am Yours regardless of
The clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
Chorus:
(Repeats)
Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Ginny Owens - If You Want Me To
The pathway is broken
The signs are unclear
I can't find the reason why You led me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to
Chorus:
Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
And if all of these trials can bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
'Cause it leads me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
Only that I'll never go alone
When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to
