I will begin by being completely honest. Shocking? I think not. I have truly felt discouraged lately. I've been questioning myself and my decisions. Am I doing right by my family? Am I doing right by our son? Am I doing what God really wants from me? Am I fighting a losing battle and am just too stubborn to admit that I've already lost a long time ago? I've really been struggling with these incessant thoughts of doubt. They keep me up at night. They make me cringe.

I'm sure that many people do not understand our decision to do foster care. Many do, but many do not. I firmly believe that my inability to bear children was not a mistake. It was (is) a painful part of God's amazing plan for us to work for His greater good. I don't know that I will ever "get over" the fact that I will not have the same experience as most mothers do...being able to carry a child inside me...being able to protect him/her in utero and feel him/her kicking inside me...to be able to say that our child was created out of love between me and my husband. I may not be able to say any of these things, but I can say that my child is a miraculous creation of a God much bigger than I could ever imagine. A God that created the most perfect child in the whole world, and gave his mother the strength and courage to offer him freely to us to raise. Through her, He gave us the gift of parenthood. However, I don't think our calling ends there.

Like I said, I've been struggling with what is right or wrong lately. I've always felt confident in my gift of discernment, but I've really doubted my judgement lately...especially today. That is, until I received an e-mail from a friend. This friend has been a blessing to me and it was through her that I felt called to do foster care, and therefore brought it to the attention of my husband (who obviously agreed). You see, my friend is also a foster parent. In having lunch with her and her, at the time, FIVE small foster children, one of her kids just tugged at my heart. As I reached to give this sweet little three-year-old girl a high five, she ducked. That's right. She ducked. She automatically assumed that I was reaching out my hand to hit her. She was three. My heart broke a little that day. Right then and there, I knew that some day I had to do something. I just didn't know what that would be.

This particular friend of mine sent me the most incredible e-mail today. Without me even having to explain how I was feeling, this is was she sent (in reference to her being a foster parent):

"I keep telling myself that this is what I am here for and when I am in heaven, I will be rewarded beyond measure for the life that I was given and that I stuck through it, worked through it, and in the end was faithful to the One who really counts."

Then, she put down a quote that she had found today and felt that I needed to read:

"Are you close to quitting? Please don't do it. Are you discouraged as a parent? Hang in there. Are you weary with doing good? Do just a little more. Are you pessimistic about your job? Roll up your sleeves and go at it again. No communication in your marriage? Give it one more shot.

Remember, a finisher is not one with no wounds or weariness. Quite the contrary, he, like the boxer, is scarred and bloody. Mother Teresa is credited with saying, 'God didn't call us to be successful, just faithful.' The fighter, like our Master, is pierced and full of pain. He, like Paul, may even be bound and beaten. But He remains.

The Land of Promise, says Jesus, awaits those who endure. It is not just for those who make the victory lap or drink the champagne. No sir. The Land of Promise is for those who simply remain to the end."

Wow. How eye opening is that!?!?! What a wonderful reminder that we endure for a reason.

Here is a little more from my friend in her own words. She has no idea how this has touched me and encouraged me to continue:

"...When I read it (the quote)...I was reminded of WHY I am doing this...it IS my plan in life...I really LOVE these kids with every piece of me...THEY are EVERYTHING to me. Like I said, this lifestyle is HARD...but it's in my life for a reason, and when I am feeling weak, like I can't go on...I will fight harder for what is right. These kids didn't ask to be here, but I am so glad they are. I am making an impact on them...and for that alone, I AM GRATEFUL!"

Thank you "friend" for your support and your amazing encouragement to Rich and I in this journey. Thank you to every one of you out there that has embraced this part of our lives and has shown love to AM, even when it seemed as though he was unlovable. He is being impacted, molded and shaped by every one of you as well...so for that we are grateful. And, even though we cannot guarantee how long he will be with us, I hold tight to the belief that his time with us will have mattered. At least, I pray it will.