I will begin by being completely honest. Shocking? I think not. I have truly felt discouraged lately. I've been questioning myself and my decisions. Am I doing right by my family? Am I doing right by our son? Am I doing what God really wants from me? Am I fighting a losing battle and am just too stubborn to admit that I've already lost a long time ago? I've really been struggling with these incessant thoughts of doubt. They keep me up at night. They make me cringe.
I'm sure that many people do not understand our decision to do foster care. Many do, but many do not. I firmly believe that my inability to bear children was not a mistake. It was (is) a painful part of God's amazing plan for us to work for His greater good. I don't know that I will ever "get over" the fact that I will not have the same experience as most mothers do...being able to carry a child inside me...being able to protect him/her in utero and feel him/her kicking inside me...to be able to say that our child was created out of love between me and my husband. I may not be able to say any of these things, but I can say that my child is a miraculous creation of a God much bigger than I could ever imagine. A God that created the most perfect child in the whole world, and gave his mother the strength and courage to offer him freely to us to raise. Through her, He gave us the gift of parenthood. However, I don't think our calling ends there.
Like I said, I've been struggling with what is right or wrong lately. I've always felt confident in my gift of discernment, but I've really doubted my judgement lately...especially today. That is, until I received an e-mail from a friend. This friend has been a blessing to me and it was through her that I felt called to do foster care, and therefore brought it to the attention of my husband (who obviously agreed). You see, my friend is also a foster parent. In having lunch with her and her, at the time, FIVE small foster children, one of her kids just tugged at my heart. As I reached to give this sweet little three-year-old girl a high five, she ducked. That's right. She ducked. She automatically assumed that I was reaching out my hand to hit her. She was three. My heart broke a little that day. Right then and there, I knew that some day I had to do something. I just didn't know what that would be.
This particular friend of mine sent me the most incredible e-mail today. Without me even having to explain how I was feeling, this is was she sent (in reference to her being a foster parent):
"I keep telling myself that this is what I am here for and when I am in heaven, I will be rewarded beyond measure for the life that I was given and that I stuck through it, worked through it, and in the end was faithful to the One who really counts."
Then, she put down a quote that she had found today and felt that I needed to read:
"Are you close to quitting? Please don't do it. Are you discouraged as a parent? Hang in there. Are you weary with doing good? Do just a little more. Are you pessimistic about your job? Roll up your sleeves and go at it again. No communication in your marriage? Give it one more shot.
Remember, a finisher is not one with no wounds or weariness. Quite the contrary, he, like the boxer, is scarred and bloody. Mother Teresa is credited with saying, 'God didn't call us to be successful, just faithful.' The fighter, like our Master, is pierced and full of pain. He, like Paul, may even be bound and beaten. But He remains.
The Land of Promise, says Jesus, awaits those who endure. It is not just for those who make the victory lap or drink the champagne. No sir. The Land of Promise is for those who simply remain to the end."
Wow. How eye opening is that!?!?! What a wonderful reminder that we endure for a reason.
Here is a little more from my friend in her own words. She has no idea how this has touched me and encouraged me to continue:
"...When I read it (the quote)...I was reminded of WHY I am doing this...it IS my plan in life...I really LOVE these kids with every piece of me...THEY are EVERYTHING to me. Like I said, this lifestyle is HARD...but it's in my life for a reason, and when I am feeling weak, like I can't go on...I will fight harder for what is right. These kids didn't ask to be here, but I am so glad they are. I am making an impact on them...and for that alone, I AM GRATEFUL!"
Thank you "friend" for your support and your amazing encouragement to Rich and I in this journey. Thank you to every one of you out there that has embraced this part of our lives and has shown love to AM, even when it seemed as though he was unlovable. He is being impacted, molded and shaped by every one of you as well...so for that we are grateful. And, even though we cannot guarantee how long he will be with us, I hold tight to the belief that his time with us will have mattered. At least, I pray it will.
We truly couldn't have asked for a more incredible child. His personality is just exploding lately and it's been so fun watching him grow into a "big boy". In just 12 days he will be TWO!!!
I will begin by being completely honest. Shocking? I think not. I have truly felt discouraged lately. I've been questioning myself and my decisions. Am I doing right by my family? Am I doing right by our son? Am I doing what God really wants from me? Am I fighting a losing battle and am just too stubborn to admit that I've already lost a long time ago? I've really been struggling with these incessant thoughts of doubt. They keep me up at night. They make me cringe.
Yesterday, we went to our friends Chris and Chrissy's annual Luau. Lots of great friends, great conversation and lots of drinks! Little did we know, though...Chris had a little surprise in store for Chrissy. While giving their "thank you for coming" speech, he PROPOSED!!! We've known since the first time we met Chris that some day this engagement would come...they are just THAT perfect for each other.
It just overjoys me to see my friend this happy. She certainly deserves it...and so does he.
AND SHE SAID YES!!!
Me and Heather
Heather and Barnes
Chrissy and Jamie opening up karaoke!...didn't last long...the cops shut it down.
Colleen and Tony
This summer, since we've been working with AM on his academics to get him a little more caught up, we decided to do a butterfly experiment with him, since we didn't have much science material. We were lucky enough to have 4 out of 5 of our butterflies hatch! We released them yesterday.
This sad little one with the bum wing didn't last long. He died within a few hours of being released in our yard.
What gorgeous creatures God makes!
We wanted to have one last hoorah before the school year started for all of the kids, so last weekend we had a camp out in our back yard. There were about 14 people in all...three big tents, a camp fire, glow sticks, flashlights, and lots and lots of marshmallows. We all had so much fun! Rich and I skipped the tent. We blew up the air-bed and put up the pack-n-play in the yard, we sprayed ourselves well with bug spray and Rich, Zack and I slept under the stars. It was nothing short of wonderful!
Our nephew Cal...soon to be "big brother" to a little sister :)
Our niece Shea...soon to be a big 2nd grader!
One of my very best friends, Emily. Also, mom to Logan (Zack's best friend).
Logan :)
Our nephew Alex...soon to be starting kindergarten!
My brother Clint...soon to be "Daddy" again!
Logan and Zack. More interested in playing with the buckles on the booster seat than playing with the other kids.
My beautiful sister, Kate...the master camper!
Logan...or, as Zack calls him, "Gogie"
AM enjoying the camp out.
AJ, Alex and Cal.
Lovely static-cling hair from the tent.
Herbie...life of the party!
My goofy brother.
Zack loved having the family around!
He is SO handsome :)
S'MUPS. S'mores made with peanut butter cups. I'd rather stick with just the marshmallows, myself.
Fascinated by the fire.
Roasting martshmallows for the first time.
Playing "ni-night!"
Alex going to sleep.
AJ, getting me back for using the "flash" on my camera :)
AM, Kate and Shea hittin' the hay.
"Mmmmm! Mellows, Daddy!"
Pre-camp out...a picture of Zack throwing a tantrum in time-out.
NOT impressed with time-out.
