Whatever you're doing...

I was in the car by myself for a few minutes the other day...shocker, I know! I heard this song "Whatever you're doing", by Sanctus Real come on K-Love. I have heard this song several times, but never really listened to the words. I guess this time, I was able to be quiet enough to actually LISTEN. It's funny how we can hear something a million times, yet it takes a million and ONE times until it really makes sense and sinks in. Anyways, I'll post the lyrics, then tell you what struck me about this song...

"It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender"

I can't even begin to explain just how much "healing" needs to happen with this child. It breaks my heart to think of how much has been "broken" in him and all the people that have wronged him. The song says it perfectly..."I don't know where I belong" in this. I feel as if I (we) have done and tried everything to make this right...but nothing works. We have taken and used every piece of advice from his social workers and therapists, our friends and family. We have relied on our own intuition, creativity and life experience. We have tried to keep the environment "positive" and rewarding for good behavior. We have tried yelling. We've tried taking things away and making him "earn" it back. We've tried it all. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we are giving up or giving in, but I'm saying I'm tired. I'm emotional. I'm frustrated. I'm anxious for change. I'm sad.

"Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly"

Rich and I know that THIS is where we are SUPPOSED to be right now...with THIS child. Like the saying goes, we know that we'll have to walk through "the valley" at times, but He never said we'd walk it alone, right? It's such a roller coaster of emotions. At times I DO feel like there's peace, but so often the chaos takes over and is just simply overwhelming.

"Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender..."

I JUST WANT ANSWERS! I just NEED answers. We NEED things to change. I'm ready for change and I'm ready for some progress to be made. Let's get to it already! I am so tired of having to PAY for all of the past mistakes of everyone else that this child has encountered. How long will he punish me for the things that others have done to him? When will the torture that he feels we need to endure end? When will he believe that we are not going to send him away because he chooses not to behave? When will he realize that we are doing our best and it's exhausting? When will he realize that he is loved, even when he is not lovable?

"Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears"

I wish I could just climb into that little mind of his and clean out all of the clutter in his memory...the bad memories of not being cared for as he should have been, the many many moves he's had to make from one bad place to another, the different faces that he's called "mom" that never lived up to the title. I wish I could go in and clean it all up for him and give him a fresh start. It's up to him though...he has to LET me.

"Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly"

I'm holding on to the belief that whatever is meant to happen in our home is far bigger than anything we could imagine. I know we're frustrated, but I also know that we have a God big enough to take care of us and keep us strong. I know we're tired, but I know that our God has strength enough to carry us when we feel we are ready to give up. Please continue to pray for us...we appreciate all we can get!