Zack and his best friend...

Yesterday, Emily and I took the boys out hiking at the levy to take pictures, celebrating the fact that they are both two (well, Logan's birthday is on Sunday)! They had so much fun playing and running together :)



Unfortunately, Zack wasn't in the BEST of moods. He is getting three of his 2-year molars at the same time. Poor lil' guy :(



These two boys have been best friends since they were about a week old. Logan is only nine days younger than Zack...their very first play date was when Logan was only about a week old. I can clearly picture them all bundled up in the pajamas sleeping on a blanket in the middle of the living room floor. I was in the kitchen making sandwiches for my friend Emily, whom I hadn't seen since high school. I was thinking, "We have so much in common! I wonder where our friendship will go..." And here we are, 2 years later, and I thank God every day for her influence in my life. She is one of my dearest friends and I know our relationship was meant to be for a lifetime. I'm so thankful for every moment we've shared together, with and without our children. Love you, Em!

Updates and new pics...

Well, this week has been...something else. It's been heartbreaking losing AM and joyous watching our little boy turn two-years-old.

Let's start with AM. After weeks, actually months, of debate, discussion, and struggle, we came to the conclusion that we could no longer continue to have AM live with us. We have been through so much with this little boy, but he has been distributing many behaviors that led us to the realization that we could not keep him and still trust that Zack would remain safe. When we began foster parenting, we vowed that we would always keep Zack and our family as our number one priority. Keeping AM any longer than we did would have gone against what our family needs. It was nothing short of heartbreaking having to pack up his things, tally up each and every piece of clothing and toy on a piece of paper, and organize and prepare all of his paperwork for someone else to take over. Our fears of what would happen to him were endless. What school would he go to? Will he end up with a teacher that wouldn't care enough to get to know why he is the way he is? What if he falls through the cracks? What if we never see him again? What if he ends up in one of "those" homes? We said our goodbyes yesterday and I spent much of the day finishing packing for him and sobbing. I was feeling pretty horrible until around 6pm last night, when I received a phone call.

Me: "Hello?"
AM: "Mom? It's me. I'm really sad."
Me: "Awe, buddy. I'm so glad you called me!"
AM: "Yeah, I told my new social worker that I wanted your number. I've been carrying it around in my pocket all day."

We then talked about what his new house is like and he told me that he will still have his own room. I was able to speak with his new foster mother on the phone and she sounds WONDERFUL!!! She said that their family will be coming to Zack's birthday party next week because she knows how important it is for AM. She also told him that he could call us (and we could call him) any time he wanted to. This was proven to be true after we received our 4th phone call in approximately 2 hours. My sister also received four voicemails! We were so happy to hear that he was okay. As an added bonus, they were able to find him a home to live in where he could stay at the same school!!! His foster mother sounds amazing and expressed how she intends to be very invested in AM's education as well. I can't wait to meet her in person and I am so thankful that God is watching out for this little boy. His social workers have agreed to still let us be in contact and have visitation with him, which is more than we could have ever asked for.

Yesterday was Zacky's 2nd birthday! He woke up saying, "Happy birthday TO ME!!!" We went out to lunch with Grandma Sally, my sister and some friends. Then, we had a quiet family dinner...just the three of us...at home. I have to admit that I did set the table for four though. Afterward, we picked up some frozen yogurt and came home to stay up late and watch Finding Nemo. Zack keeps asking for AM, but considering the circumstances, it was a great day for him!

Our sweet Bailey girl.

It doesn't get any cuter than this :)






He loves to wear Daddy's shoes around the house!

Zack and (a very tired) Logan, playing with Legos and watching Sesame Street.


Zack sleeping in on his birthday. Happy birthday, baby boy!

Rich and I made Zack a "man cave" (kitchen table + bed sheets = awesomeness!). He literally went down for a nap crying big crocodile tears because he wanted to stay in the "cave".

Zack and Daddy checkin' out the cave...



The cave wouldn't be complete without a guard dog.



Yes...our child has OCD. He does stuff like this every single day. Whether it's building patterns with his blocks or organizing markers or magnets or lining up every single chair in the church's nursery in a perfectly straight row...the boy is obsessed. Certainly has an engineer's mind like his Daddy.

Here we go again! More organizing!

Last weekend, we celebrated my mom's 70th birthday with a family BBQ.
Happy birthday, Mama!

My joy...

We truly couldn't have asked for a more incredible child. His personality is just exploding lately and it's been so fun watching him grow into a "big boy". In just 12 days he will be TWO!!!

I can't get enough of his "Grandpa Jack" eyes :)

I will begin by being completely honest. Shocking? I think not. I have truly felt discouraged lately. I've been questioning myself and my decisions. Am I doing right by my family? Am I doing right by our son? Am I doing what God really wants from me? Am I fighting a losing battle and am just too stubborn to admit that I've already lost a long time ago? I've really been struggling with these incessant thoughts of doubt. They keep me up at night. They make me cringe.

I'm sure that many people do not understand our decision to do foster care. Many do, but many do not. I firmly believe that my inability to bear children was not a mistake. It was (is) a painful part of God's amazing plan for us to work for His greater good. I don't know that I will ever "get over" the fact that I will not have the same experience as most mothers do...being able to carry a child inside me...being able to protect him/her in utero and feel him/her kicking inside me...to be able to say that our child was created out of love between me and my husband. I may not be able to say any of these things, but I can say that my child is a miraculous creation of a God much bigger than I could ever imagine. A God that created the most perfect child in the whole world, and gave his mother the strength and courage to offer him freely to us to raise. Through her, He gave us the gift of parenthood. However, I don't think our calling ends there.

Like I said, I've been struggling with what is right or wrong lately. I've always felt confident in my gift of discernment, but I've really doubted my judgement lately...especially today. That is, until I received an e-mail from a friend. This friend has been a blessing to me and it was through her that I felt called to do foster care, and therefore brought it to the attention of my husband (who obviously agreed). You see, my friend is also a foster parent. In having lunch with her and her, at the time, FIVE small foster children, one of her kids just tugged at my heart. As I reached to give this sweet little three-year-old girl a high five, she ducked. That's right. She ducked. She automatically assumed that I was reaching out my hand to hit her. She was three. My heart broke a little that day. Right then and there, I knew that some day I had to do something. I just didn't know what that would be.

This particular friend of mine sent me the most incredible e-mail today. Without me even having to explain how I was feeling, this is was she sent (in reference to her being a foster parent):

"I keep telling myself that this is what I am here for and when I am in heaven, I will be rewarded beyond measure for the life that I was given and that I stuck through it, worked through it, and in the end was faithful to the One who really counts."

Then, she put down a quote that she had found today and felt that I needed to read:

"Are you close to quitting? Please don't do it. Are you discouraged as a parent? Hang in there. Are you weary with doing good? Do just a little more. Are you pessimistic about your job? Roll up your sleeves and go at it again. No communication in your marriage? Give it one more shot.

Remember, a finisher is not one with no wounds or weariness. Quite the contrary, he, like the boxer, is scarred and bloody. Mother Teresa is credited with saying, 'God didn't call us to be successful, just faithful.' The fighter, like our Master, is pierced and full of pain. He, like Paul, may even be bound and beaten. But He remains.

The Land of Promise, says Jesus, awaits those who endure. It is not just for those who make the victory lap or drink the champagne. No sir. The Land of Promise is for those who simply remain to the end."

Wow. How eye opening is that!?!?! What a wonderful reminder that we endure for a reason.

Here is a little more from my friend in her own words. She has no idea how this has touched me and encouraged me to continue:

"...When I read it (the quote)...I was reminded of WHY I am doing this...it IS my plan in life...I really LOVE these kids with every piece of me...THEY are EVERYTHING to me. Like I said, this lifestyle is HARD...but it's in my life for a reason, and when I am feeling weak, like I can't go on...I will fight harder for what is right. These kids didn't ask to be here, but I am so glad they are. I am making an impact on them...and for that alone, I AM GRATEFUL!"

Thank you "friend" for your support and your amazing encouragement to Rich and I in this journey. Thank you to every one of you out there that has embraced this part of our lives and has shown love to AM, even when it seemed as though he was unlovable. He is being impacted, molded and shaped by every one of you as well...so for that we are grateful. And, even though we cannot guarantee how long he will be with us, I hold tight to the belief that his time with us will have mattered. At least, I pray it will.